Helpful Tips

Tomorrow is the big race. As you all know, I'm less than prepared. Like, really less than prepared.


(not me.)

No matter.

In the spirit of someone that might have some advice for others, I've created a list of things that will and will not help you run. This is for anyone that might be considering a road race longer than anything they've ever even attempted, and then blow off training for said race, and then rediscover a love of ice cream, and then trying to cram in a few months of runs into one week, fueled only by shame and fear (thank you Allie Brosh, for coining a phrase that so aptly applies to my life).

Without further ado...

Buying budget-crushing workout clothes will not make you run faster. I know, I was surprised too.

On that point, buying said clothes in loud prints and colors, under the mindset of "If I'm wearing something totally ridiculous, I'll force myself to run faster, so I don't look like the slow loser who's wearing crazy clothes," will not make you run faster. You will just look like a slow loser in ridiculous, crazy clothes. Been there, sister. Been there.

Exaggerating a slow pace at the start of your run will help you to not burn out early. Thanks, Dad!

Talking about running over gChat with Lindsay will not do the same thing as actually running. And while we're on the subject of Lindsay, she will not do as poorly as she says she will. Don't be fooled. She was a personal trainer and has run a half marathon.

Putting five miles in perspective will help you get to the end of the race. I hope.

Remembering that you never have to run five miles again in your entire life will also help, I think.

Helpful? I thought so.

After all, who better to give running advice than the girl who loses her will to live after about 1.34 miles?

Bad Omens.

As surprising as this may be to all of you, I have a few bad habits. One of my worst? A penchant for getting terribly excited about a new hobby, saying I'm going to really "stick with" this one and "see it through," and then completely abandoning my pursuit about a month later.

For the purpose of this post, "it" is the 5 Mile road race this coming Saturday.

I talked, blogged and jogged my way through the first week after signing up. I was going to be a RUNNER, all caps. Fulfill my dreams of being lithe on my feet!

Then week two hit, and I sort of got sick of running. Then I went on vacation on week three. Then something at work happened... then I got sleepy... then I need to do laundry...

Fast forward to now, when I haven't run (actually, participated in any type of physical activity) for the past two weeks.


(Me, probably)

Things aren't looking good, my friends. I walked the dog for a mile yesterday and my hamstrings are sore. There is no way I finish this race in any sort of respectable time. Just no way.

My bad habits strike again.

In which I remember I have a blog...

So, as we all know, I'm an avid reader of the mommy blogs. My mornings are not complete without ogling pictures of their cute children and staring at their adorable monogrammed walls (they exist! why didn't my mother love me enough to give me monogrammed walls?!). I am one unhappy lady if someone has forgotten to post that morning, and often spend the rest of the day fuming that these strangers I've emotionally attached myself to didn't care enough to share a bit of their lives with me.

Except then I forgot to post for, oh, about three weeks. And realized maybe I can be a little bit critical of those who are sometimes too busy to get on blogger.

So, whoops.

A brief recap of what has gone on in my life:

1) I visited Southern B and our third amigo, whose name begins with an A and therefore does not fit into our Southern/Northern nickname constituency, in New Mexico.

Exhibit A:


Exhibit B:


Exhibit C:


2) I all but abandoned running due to said vacation above and a mysterious illness that robbed me of my voice and will to live. My training schedule says I should be doing about 4 miles by now, and I'm at about 2.5.

This road race should be interesting.

(Also, the boyfriend is averaging EIGHT miles on his run. EIGHT. I'm not bitter though.)

3) I planned a trip to Africa!

That's actually not entirely accurate. My parents planned a trip to Africa, and I begged to be allowed to tag on. They complied because they love me and didn't want to hear me complain for the next three months.

Come August, I'm Kenya bound. Imagine the blog posts, people. They're going to be epic.

If I remember to post, that is.

Because I care, YOU care.

Yesterday, I ran two miles OUTSIDE.

I had never done that before.

I am this much closer to being this girl (except less tan, and in shorts a color other than yellow):

(Image from self.com)

That is all.

Shwag.

Since deciding I was going to transform myself into an athlete (even more impressive, a runner), I've gone about the business of getting the correct tools for the job.

Because everyone knows you can't just run, you need cool accessories to do it with.

The first, and arguably most important, stop was to Marathon Sports in Brookline to get new sneakers. I actually can't say enough good things about this place. First, they were super attentive from the second I walked in, despite the fact that I was wearing a ruffled sundress and ballet flats. Second, they actually took the time to watch me walk barefoot, then in shoes, then running, then running outside. Third, they legitimately didn't seem to care at all when I was discussing the colors of the different shoes and how they might affect my mile time. I got out of there with an awesome pair of Asics that make me feel like I'm not wearing shoes at all.

The second was to Lululemon. I actually can't afford anything in there right now, but I mentally planned my race day outfit.

The third and most current obsession, began with a little trip to Amazon.com and ended with a small, red and white sensor that is currently in my purse in case Abby found it in my room and decided to eat it.

The Nike+.

Southern B told me to get it months ago, but I hesitated (I have a hard time making planned purchases). WHAT.A.MISTAKE.

This baby is AWESOME. It tells me how fast (slow?) I'm going, how long I've run, and allows me to press a button that activates my "power song." It makes me feel like a REAL runner. At the end of the week, I can see how many miles I've gone so I can casually drop that number in conversation.

Is there any downside to this little device?

I think not.

I'm an "athlete!"

"Athlete" in quotation marks, because really, I'm not. But by June 5th, I will be...

Explanation:

I've always wanted to be one of those effortlessly sporty, spandex short wearing, perky ponytail swishing girls. Pangs of jealousy used to gnaw at me every time they jogged by me eating an ice cream cone on the street.

A few months ago, I worked at a gym. Let me tell you, it's hard to avoid the gym when you work. there. The trainers will not give you a break! So I started working out. At first, it was just the elliptical, but as time went on, I started feeling like I wasn't actually doing anything. I decided to conquer the treadmill.

I started very slowly, but I've now gotten to the point where an average jog is somewhere around two miles. Instead of reviling in my success, what do I do? I SIGN UP FOR A ROAD RACE.

That's right my friends. Come June 5th, I'll be running the Harpoon Road Race. It's about five miles, and I'll be doing it with the boyfriend, his friends, and some of the boyfriends' friends' girlfriends who are now MY friends (phew).

Tonight's the night I see whether I can actually even RUN five miles.

Pray for me.

Why is fitness so controversial?

Since Southern B mentioned some new and superb songs to power up your workout (which I have already downloaded and tested thankyouverymuch), I thought I'd share a little rant I have about working out and fitness in general.

I think you could ask any woman, and she'd tell you that at one point in her life, she's been jealous of another woman's shape. I don't think that's a bad thing, so long as it doesn't become all consuming. Sometimes, seeing something you desire in others pushes you to get after it yourself.

A little jealousy can go a long way when it comes to fitness. In fact, seeing another girl running longer or faster on the treadmill next to me always pushes me to ramp up my efforts... and if she looks great in a pair of yoga pants I've been lusting after, WELL, let's push for the extra mile, shall we?

My rant is not the jealousy, it's how I feel some people manifest that feeling by begrudging the girl who's working it on the elliptical over yonder.

Today in the Boston Globe, an article was written about women and exercise. Specifically, how a new Brigham and Women’s Hospital study argues that women who begin with a healthy body weight should be aiming for 60 minutes of exercise a day. Presumably, that would mean women who don't have a healthy body weight should be doing more than that, if they're trying to loose. While older guidelines have always been around 30 to 60 minutes, I think conventional wisdom has always rounded down to 30 (which, incidentally, is the US Department of Health and Human Services’ standard).

I can already imagine the backlash I'd receive if I showed this article to some of my friends ("MORE EXERCISE?!"). It's no secret that healthy eating and exercise have become a large part of my life in the past few years, but I still find it absolutely shocking how many people seem to be bothered by it.

The same goes for celebrities. Why do people, and women in particular, get so angry when they see a healthy celebrity being photographed coming out of the gym? Are they threatened? Why do they feel the need to say "I could do that, if I had a trainer/chef/person I could miraculously pay to run for me?"

Look, you may not ever look like a model. That's normal! But lots of everyday people manage to look great all on their own, and I bet a little gym time and eating in moderation had something to do with it. It's not about how skinny you look, it's about how healthy you are. So stop telling me how you could look like that if you just did what they were doing, and do it! There's nothing worse than being jealous of something and doing nothing to quell that feeling.

Don't judge the other girl for doing her thing, just do yours. Let just a little bit of jealousy help to get you to the place where you can honestly say that you're doing the best you can to be healthy... and then unabashedly ask the girl next to you where she got those cute running shoes.

Temperature Elevates, World Mourns (Running Music)

As spring approaches, one must take a serious look at the lethargy and overwhelming sloth of the past few months. Months when one could sit idly on a couch and say “it is simply too cold to go outside and move around with an elevated heartbeat for over 30 minutes.” Out here on the Rez there is no gym, no treadmills, no fun workout classes. There are just sandy trails snaking through low shrubs and (seriously) tumbleweed.
For this reason, I have not exercised in any meaningful way for a long time. The snow has almost completely melted, along with my excuses. It is time to brush the dust off the old iPod, pull on my trail-runners, and venture outside.
To help me cope with this sad reality, I have to have music get me through. I have compiled a list of my favorite running/workout songs. Hopefully they will bring you some solace and aid you as you attempt to peel yourself away from your cheesy poofs and dinners-for-two eaten by one.
1. Fatboy Slim – Weapon of Choice
Awesome. Also Christopher Walken dances in the video.
2. David Guetta ft. Akon – Sexy Bitch
Makes you feel like a Sexy B while running.
3. Lights – Saviour
The chorus is catchy.
4. K’Naan – Waving Flag
Inspirational for long runs.
5. Britney Spears – 3
Nothing beats a good Britney jam.
6. Florence and the Machines – Dog Days are Over
I can't get over this song. I love it.
7. Beck – Timebomb
Tick Tick Tick
8. Cake – Shut the F*ck Up
First, its Cake. Second, the lyric "like sharpened knives through chicken McNuggets."
9. Ladyhawke – Dusk Till Dawn
Catchy and fun to run to.
10. The Who – Baba O’Riley
For some reason, this makes the time on a run go much faster. You can also imagine you are on CSI.
11. Lupe Fiasco – Solar Midnite
Good.
12. Wyclef Jean ft. Maya – Ghetto Superstar
Elementary School Fave.
13. The Replacements – Alex Chilton
I once did a beautiful choreographed dance for KW to this song. It makes you want to bob your head up and down. I don't know why.
14. Garbage – Paranoid
Because its Garbage.
15. Sublime – April 29, 1992
So you can feel like a Badass
16. Ben Folds Five – Army
I love songs with Piano in them.
17. Hellogoodbye – Here in Your Arms
This is a good car song as well.
18. Gorillaz – Feel Good Inc.
A bit of a throw back.
19. Jay-Z – Dirt Off Your Shoulders
Ladies is pimps too.
20. The XX – Crystalized
Good for zoning out.
21. K’Naan – T.I.A.
Because DiCaprio said it.


Happy Running,