Helpful Tips

Tomorrow is the big race. As you all know, I'm less than prepared. Like, really less than prepared.


(not me.)

No matter.

In the spirit of someone that might have some advice for others, I've created a list of things that will and will not help you run. This is for anyone that might be considering a road race longer than anything they've ever even attempted, and then blow off training for said race, and then rediscover a love of ice cream, and then trying to cram in a few months of runs into one week, fueled only by shame and fear (thank you Allie Brosh, for coining a phrase that so aptly applies to my life).

Without further ado...

Buying budget-crushing workout clothes will not make you run faster. I know, I was surprised too.

On that point, buying said clothes in loud prints and colors, under the mindset of "If I'm wearing something totally ridiculous, I'll force myself to run faster, so I don't look like the slow loser who's wearing crazy clothes," will not make you run faster. You will just look like a slow loser in ridiculous, crazy clothes. Been there, sister. Been there.

Exaggerating a slow pace at the start of your run will help you to not burn out early. Thanks, Dad!

Talking about running over gChat with Lindsay will not do the same thing as actually running. And while we're on the subject of Lindsay, she will not do as poorly as she says she will. Don't be fooled. She was a personal trainer and has run a half marathon.

Putting five miles in perspective will help you get to the end of the race. I hope.

Remembering that you never have to run five miles again in your entire life will also help, I think.

Helpful? I thought so.

After all, who better to give running advice than the girl who loses her will to live after about 1.34 miles?

Anything with an average over 70, thanks.

Don't get me wrong, I love Massachusetts. I love the trees in the fall, the indian pudding and the distinct seasons. My family (well, at least some of my family, we have some rouges that have moved around) has lived in Massachusetts since 1620 and it's served us pretty well.

That being said, there are some mornings... like, oh, this one... where I think that it might be nice to wake up and not have to mentally calculate how fast I can turn on the space heater and hop back under the covers to wait for it to heat up the room to a balmy 60 degrees.

With that in mind, here are the two places I'd rather live than Boston. I'm going to give you a spoiler right now, too. Hawaii isn't one of them. People always say Hawaii and it drives me nuts because, really? Do you actually want to live in Hawaii, or is it just the only warm place you can think of right now? I've seen Dog the Bounty Hunter and Hawaii looks a little too rough and tumble for me.

1) Kiawah Island, South Carolina

(Image from About.com)
Okay, what is not to love? Lush, beautiful surroundings, southern hospitality and a Native American based name (I'm a sucker for the virtually unpronounceable). Full disclosure: I've never actually been to Kiawah Island, but I think that makes me love it more. That way, my mental image of sandy beaches and welcoming people can never be tarnished by the random weirdo on the street that keeps asking you where you're from. Don't pretend that you haven't dealt with that guy on vacation. He's always there, and he's often wearing a fanny pack.

2) San Francisco, CA

(Image from aptinternational.org)
I took a vacation with an ex-boyfriend to San Francisco a few years ago, and while the relationship didn't hold up, the love of the city did. The whole place is so charming and quirky. Have you ever been to their port area? Chowder in sour dough bread bowls. Everywhere. And also, um, Ghirardelli is based there. I think that's all we need to say about that.

Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to go mentally plan what I'd wear in each of these cities. Because in the imaginary world where I live there, I always dress really well have have naturally straight, thick hair.